About Love-withdrawal and Time-Outs
Mainstream parenting sees its followers implementing the ‚Time-Out‘. An amount of time is set for the child sit out. Sometimes in silence. Mostly in the child’s room, alone. If the child gets up or comes out, the timer is set again. There are other variations such as the Naughty chair or the Quiet Step.
Time-out… time out from what, though? Time out from all that commotion, as in you notice the current situation is highly stressful for your child and you seek to protect him or comfort her? I do that - but I never force something upon my child that he doesn’t want. If a situation is too much I offer an alternative that my son usually gladly accepts.
A Time-out, however, is used as a punishment and addresses behavior with no consideration for the underlying needs. It’s a time out from loved ones, a time out from the guidance and comfort from parents. It is implemented as a strategy; children are directly overpowered into compliance and obedience by the misuse of our natural authority. A Time-out is solitary confinement and emotional isolation.
Time-outs leave no place for communication, fairness, acknowledgment for the will or feelings of the child, no room for compromises. These, however, are abilities we generally expect from our children, but don’t offer many chances to develop them.
A child does not feel safe and protected when forced to sit a Time-out. And no, he or she does not feel loved and cherished.
A child isn’t thinking about what he has done wrong or why he perhaps deserved such treatment (as many may argue). He feels misunderstood, powerless, frustrated, angry, unseen and unloved. Yes Time-outs are the purest form of love-withdrawal.
And do they work? Love-withdrawal has been found to ‘work’, meaning children are quick to conform and show obedience, but to also have the highest amount of detrimental impact on the child’s psyche. The reason for this is simply that withdrawing your love is the worst possible thing that could happen to your child.
Children have strong instincts to seek and secure attachments to their care-givers, seen from an evolutionary perspective it becomes clear as to why: children without strong attachments would likely perish.
When children are forced into a Time-out, they are scared and experience everything that goes along with that emotion - the primitive state of ‘fight/flight/freeze’ is activated by stress hormones, leaving little ability for clear, rational thought.
If children accept Time-outs with light crying, they are too scared to show you their real feelings on being left alone; If children fight their hardest, they are strong-willed and passionate enough to stand up for their rights as human beings.
Where does this leave them in their relationships and attachments to their parents, though? How can there be unconditional love and trust when such abusive techniques are practiced?
Feeling safe and loved are requirements for a healthy development; one cannot explore surroundings, delve into learning or even absorb vitamins from the food we have eaten when we do not feel safe.
As with any punishment, children show fear-based behavior, meaning they are quick to shake blame, lie or cheat in order to escape punishment. They lose their intrinsic motivation and learn to depend on outer reactions, weighing up the consequences of their actions in a self-centered way: what will be done to me if I do/don’t do this? Furthermore the self-esteem is shattered: I’m worth so little to my parents, who shut me up in a room against my will, no matter how scared I am and how hard I protest… I must really be bad.
We must also remember that young children have no concept of linear time and, thus, have no feeling for the duration of the abandonment they must endure, causing them to experience it in an absolute way.
Time-outs do not serve the child. They do not impart wisdom or teach the child a lesson. No child ever learnt anything from a Time-out except that love is conditional and can be revoked at a moment’s notice, and that we will make them suffer, if they do not comply.
Research on the subject consistently conveys the psychologically damaging effects of love withdrawal. Adults, who underwent love-withdrawal may have become fearful of expressing emotions, be susceptible to depression and even avoid close attachments as a way of sidestepping the pain that is felt when love is bound to conditions.
Nothing justifies solitary confinement. Children do not need such methods in order to make them behave. They require healthy relationships, strong role-models and rich surroundings, where they can experience social behavior.
I invite you to take your liberty and join the revolution!
For further reading on the subject, scientific studies and alternatives to methods of child-raising look forward to my book “Un-raising Children” that is currently being edited!
