Getting Children to DO Things…
Before un-raising: A story from the past
„I want to take the tram!!!“ My son screamed at me one day, many years ago, when I picked him up from kindergarten.
“No! We are taking the bus - it’s more direct and -“
“No! Tram!” He screamed and began to cry. I pulled him by the hand as we entered the bus. It was quite full. I was deeply embarrassed that I didn’t have my three year old under control and attempted to explain to him that if we took the tram we would have to change in the city center to get the other one which would take us home. He wouldn’t listen. His Dad let him decide between bus and tram – he knew we would have to change trams.
I didn’t want the inconvenience. I wanted him to listen to me. I wanted to get home quickly and save those ten minutes it would take to go through the city center. I felt his will had little to say about the matter.
Somebody offered us a seat – an attempt at helping my uncomfortable situation and please my screaming, unruly child. He didn’t want to sit, he wanted to lay on the floor. “Traaaam!” He repeatedly shouted between sobs. Then he began to kick me.
When we finally exited the bus (and no, he didn’t stop screaming and I didn’t stop blushing) I shouted back at him by the road “Stop this behavior! We're here now – stop screaming! I can’t believe this, your father can pick you up from now on! My god, this is ridiculous!”
My son was beside himself and lay on the floor in tears as I carried on walking. I waited a few steps away and called repeatedly for him to get up and walk home. He wanted to be carried. I didn’t want to carry him – why should I reward him for his defiant behavior, I thought.
In the end I dragged him by the hand and we somehow made it up the stairs home, where I told his Dad to do something with him and leave me alone.
Yes, this happened a long time ago. Seven years to be exact.
For anyone who doesn’t oppose methods of child-raising, this situation wouldn’t be all too uncommon.
I, on the other hand, can barely think about it without feeling deeply sad. Obviously we could have taken the tram – even after I had said we would take the bus. Mainstream parenting believes consistency is the key to giving children security and gaining their respect. I call bullshit.
If I had changed my mind, seeing as taking the tram was so important to him (and even if it was the simple case of him wanting to decide which vehicle we use) I would have shown him that I am capable of flexibility; that his will is important to me; and he’d have had a huge lesson in actual respect, not the kind that is acquired through fearing someone; I would have shown him my humanity instead of cold, consistent orders and strategies.
Pulling on his arm was an act of physical violence. What was I to do, many mainstreamers may say, I had to get home, I had to get him into that bus. No. Even if the tram really hadn’t been an option, I could have sat down next to him on the ground or on a bench and waited until he was open for comfort and explanations. I could have validated his feelings and listened to him.
What do his kicks mean? Should they be categorized as violent behavior? I know there are many who think they should be. After being pulled by the arm and forced into the bus; after experiencing himself as utterly powerless; after having his integrity hurt in an abusive way… what else could this three year old do?! How on earth could he vocalize such pain and anger – especially as it was directed at me, his mother, with whom he requires a healthy attachment, as his instincts tell him, to ensure his safety and survival? How on earth should a child hold such frustration inside himself, when he hasn’t even the cognitive ability for impulse control? It wasn’t violence; it was a last resort at communicating an important message to someone who repeatedly ignored him and overpowered him.
And lastly I could have picked him up in my arms and given him that much needed comfort after he endured such alienation by my behavior. This has nothing whatsoever to do with rewards. Children are dependent on their attachment figures and feel utterly fearful and lost when bonds are severed. Nothing a child does is so terrible he deserves such disrespectful, loveless treatment.
Someone who believes children would see such a thing as being carried after such turmoil as a reward for their behavior, thus encouraging such behavior, regrets to acknowledge research of the past decades on attachments and child psychology.
I have written about love-withdrawal here, and my upcoming book also covers such topics.
When children experience themselves as so powerful they can shake us to our core, causing such strong emotions such as anger, it overtaxes their abilities considerably. This kind of responsibility is far too great for a child to carry. If it is security you wish to give your child, throw out consistency, find your humanity and carry your own responsibility and that for the quality of your relationship to your child.
Yes, it’s easier said than done. We don’t tend to come from peaceful households, but rather from ones that condition us into thinking we must control our children; become angry when such-and-such happens; take care to put a price on affection.
Take a deep breath. Ask yourself what you are fighting for in such situations. Find the needs underlying your and your child’s behavior. Throw out that mask of pride and stubbornness. Love your child unconditionally.
I invite you to take your liberty and join the revolution!
