Bodily Autonomy, Children’s Sexuality and Masturbation

Children are entitled to bodily autonomy; just because they are smaller and know less doesn’t mean we may force them to undergo anything they do not like or approve of. When it comes to changing nappies, brushing teeth, getting dressed or undressed we should be as playful and creative as we can, but when a “no” is communicated, that “no” must be respected. We must allow children to finish their play and find ways to make these undertakings as fun as possible instead of initiating them in a commanding fashion and expecting obedience rather than compliance.

We must question our motives and see whether or not flexibility is in order – why can’t our child sleep in her daytime-clothes or sleep naked? Why shouldn’t she wear her slippers to the supermarket or wash her hands while playing with water when she doesn’t like doing so on command? Why shouldn’t a boy wear hair-clips or a skirt? Why must hair be cut a certain way? Why shouldn’t an eleven year old girl shave her legs when she feels inadequate? Why can’t a twelve year old have their ears pierced or why should a five year old girl? Must my son allow a doctor to check his ears, his mouth or his penis? Should a wound be stitched by force when it could heal without?

Our children must be allowed to find their comfort zones and personal boundaries, and must also trust they will be treated respectfully while they do so. When they are overpowered, their boundaries ridiculed and discarded, they will be more guarded, more defensive and less trusting. They may even grow used to such a disdain for their boundaries and be less likely to say no, feeling an obligation to fulfill whatever it is their counterpart is asking of them.

 

Such a disregard for their bodily autonomy is detrimental to children’s self-esteem, teaching them their feelings, preferences and opinions are of no value. Many parents link their affection for their children and personal emotions to the degree of willingness to allow someone to do things to their body they have already said no to by saying “Mummy is sad when you won’t get dressed” “Daddy is angry when you don’t get in the bath” “Will you be good and do your teeth or do you want Mummy to have to put you on the naughty chair?” “Do your teeth or get out of my sight!” These tactics place children in a terrible predicament. They are made responsible for their parents’ feelings; they are threatened with love-withdrawal and must choose between their own integrity and the affection of their parents.

 

When children must jump through hoops, blindly obeying their parents, patterns that shape their future are set in place. They will expect to submit to authority, and will even seek it. They will expect to be treated with disrespect and have their will disregarded. They will expect to undergo things they do not enjoy for the love and esteem of another person. They will be susceptible to peer-pressure and lose sight of their integrity. Love-withdrawal, praise and punishment produce individuals who believe they must do something to gain love, be worthy of love or to even simply be. It seems only logical that in later years this leads them to use sexual intercourse as quest to find unconditional love.

 

Traditional child-raising loses sight of the psychological impact threats and punishments have on children, focusing to a great extent on getting children to do things and also encouraging parents to teach them what is right and wrong even if these lessons are taught by tough-love. The will of a child counts for little-to-nothing and things are forced upon children, sugar-coated as “necessities”.

 

I know children who cannot stand underwear, who sleep in their day-clothes or who wear pyjama-bottoms during the day. Allowing such behavior will certainly not lead to asocial adults who can’t get a job for their lack of social-conduct; I observe self-confident individuals, empowered by their rights and choices, who voice a firm “no!” every now and again, absolutely convinced it will be met with trust and respect. They are compliant by choice and are calm and centered, not having to fear, for instance, being held down to wipe their nose when they have said “no” and “stop”.

 

In contradiction to forcing children to give up their bodily autonomy, modern parents begin teaching their children ever earlier that their genital area is only for them to touch and even stop cleaning their young children, dressing them or being present while they bathe, explaining they must do these things by themselves.

 

We should not shy away from washing babies’ or young children’s genitals or connect this to a sexual act. These parts shouldn’t be seen as different or even be noticeably spared from a whole body massage. Young children shouldn’t be frowned at, ridiculed, shamed or reprimanded when they discover their genitals or even be told they are only for them to touch under their bedsheets. This causes a veil of mystery and lure to be given to these parts of their body, a sense of wrongness and immorality to be assigned to them. These parts are no less and no more worthy of discovery than fingers or the ticklishness of an armpit. A teenager would understand someone telling them their genitals shouldn’t be touched unless they wish them to be, but a three year old will certainly not benefit from such premature advice. It causes so many questions of which the answers are so unfathomable at this young age: Why are these body parts treated differently to others? Why should someone wish to touch them? Why would it be bad to let them? Why is it wrong to touch a part of my body if it feels nice?

 

Whatever curiosity and self-discovery drives our children will be stilled in their own time (and a lot sooner should we relent from singling it out and making it seem abnormal). Some children spend more time playing with their genitals, some less, and neither is strange, wrong or detrimental to their development. Some children enjoy sharing their curiosity with another child, some find it extremely personal and should be well accustomed to having their “no” heard and respected, should they find themselves in a position to say so. These phases may be sporadic or prolonged, depending on the child. A child who does little else throughout the day may simply have little else to do and welcome other new activities.

 

The play feels good, just like a back-rub does; it has nothing in common with adult sexuality and their motivation, other than that. One child sucks her thumb to self-sooth; another may rock herself while lying on the carpet or a cushion. This is not masturbation – that comes with sexual maturity. If we have a problem seeing our children doing such a thing, we must ask ourselves what conditioning we underwent causing us such distress, in order to understand and resolve it.

 

Children parented in a respectful fashion will be mindful of an indicator that touching our genitals in public isn’t socially acceptable, much like showing our breasts or penises isn’t.

 

When children begin to actually masturbate they do so in privacy. This is utterly normal and developmentally correct; they are discovering their quickly changing bodies and sexual-drive. It is important to do such a thing in the comfort of their home; it prepares children for later sexual-intercourse and allows them to feel comfortable in their bodies and themselves.

 

If they grow up in homes that demonize sexuality, children are alienated from an important part of their self and have no healthy way of handling this piece of their developmental puzzle. When there is no acceptance, there is no conversation and no freedom for curiosity and learning, leaving children in a state of emotional neglect. When they do engage in masturbation they feel bad and wrong or even dirty.

 

As conditional parenting leads children to seek unconditional love through sexual intercourse, so masturbation is sometimes implemented as a means of comforting and loving oneself. Psychologists observe orphans and children who were neglected and abused to use masturbation in such a way. Here masturbation becomes a quest for happiness, a refuge from emotional detachment and a way of soothing the self-loathing that generally accompanies abuse.

 

Our attitude and handling are important when it comes to bodily autonomy, as with all things concerning our children. Our acceptance and validation of natural development are vital, enabling healthy associations with sexuality, and our respect empowers our children as individuals to say “no” and grant this word meaning, a thing we all wish for our children; a thing we can nurture or eradicate.

 

 

I invite you to take your liberty and join the revolution!

 

 

 

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