Protecting personal boundaries VS being stubborn
Living in a peaceful paradigm, we acknowledge children’s rights for dignity and autonomy. A person’s will is a wonderful and powerful thing; a thing that is damaged and broken when we are controlled and oppressed into obedience. This we merry few avoid and choose to connect with our children, focus on needs underlying behavior and take a kind and supportive tone when suggesting ways to communicate needs and wishes and resolve conflicts.
As adults it is our role to guard children’s personal boundaries when they cannot, for instance when they have a special toy they do not wish to share and another child tries to take this toy from them, or when a conflict becomes physical and children cannot protect themselves.
In this mindset we understand that interpersonal relationships are determined by needs and personal boundaries. Our children grow up having their boundaries, comfort-zones and autonomy recognized and respected, and so they generally come to acknowledge and respect these things in their fellow human beings, however, sometimes parents use their ability to be flexible to the point where children do not respect their boundaries and needs – because they aren’t respecting them either. This tends to happen to parents new to the peaceful paradigm. We wish our children autonomy and freewill but quickly end up frustrated when we feel heteronomous and restricted in our own autonomy; many of us experience strong reactions to this due to our own oppressed upbringing.
It is wonderful to be flexible and put our children’s needs before our own, but communicating our boundaries in a kind and connected way is in my experience well received by children and plays a large and important role in human interaction. Children acknowledge and show respect by observing the respect we show to them, to others and to ourselves.
Although we do not command and coerce our children into doing or discontinuing something, it is certainly within our rights and dignity to communicate a simple “stop!” just as our children do when something is too rough for them or when they do not wish to be carried, when for instance our bodily autonomy is somehow compromised. We might communicate that we can swing them around once more, but then must have a rest. We can communicate that they may stay awake, but we are tired and going to bed now. We may communicate that they can throw shovels of mud in the opposite direction to where people are sitting and that muddy boots are taken off before entering the home or living area. And even that furniture or walls aren’t allowed to be drawn on (although it is important to mention that there are plenty of alternatives that facilitate and still this interest).
The question is, are we setting a boundary to force some lesson onto our children that we deem necessary, i.e. “don’t eat from my plate because you will require this life-lesson” or “don’t eat from my plate because I do not like people eating from my plate”? There is a great difference here – the first is flat out child-raising that concentrates on what we think is best, imposing false and unauthentic boundaries and forcing learning which as a matter of fact doesn’t work. Learning happens through making experiences and going through processes, not by doing as you are told to please or obey another person; the latter is communicating and standing by a personal boundary.
Am I weaning because I cannot stand to have my breasts touched and breastfeeding is no longer enjoyable or because my surroundings tell me it is time?
When we model respect and self-respect our children grow up taking these for granted, understanding nobody can rule over another person and that not only their own boundaries and comfort-zones are respected, but also those of their fellow human beings. This in itself is the life-lesson. Anymore “teaching” is disrespectful to the learner, promoting such disrespect and normalizing the use of power and force over another human being.
We must examine our motives and find out if the source is an authentic one, or if we mean to force our own preferences and beliefs onto our children or if we are even attempting to escape all conflict by forfeiting our personal boundaries. Our children are allowed to experience negative emotions; bending reality to suit their preferences at the cost of our own needs produces an imbalance and often leads to extreme frustration as we tamper with our children’s natural processes. If a toy breaks children naturally go through the process of crying over it and overcoming this sadness, looking to the future with positivity. If we get in the way of this by offering to go to town and get a new one straight away or to replace the toy with another, the process is distorted, the focus not on the grieving process that ends with hope, but diverts children’s attention to replacement, negating their emotions. This is a time for us to take a step back and accompany our children through processes instead of leading and pointing the way and pushing ourselves past our own boundaries.
Though as adults we can wait to have our needs met, if this doesn’t occur in a timely manner we are also susceptible to bad moods and emotional outbursts. This state hardly allows harmonious living conditions and furthermore our children cannot perceive this natural self-respect of providing for oneself when we regret to do so.
When we have become disconnected from personal boundaries due to our own childhood, the use of threats and force and overruling our bodily autonomy, and simply because of our culture’s celebration for people who push past their limits in a self-sacrificing manner, we may have a job determining where our boundaries are.
We might ask ourselves these questions to find clarity in our actions:
Am I doing this to divert attention from negative emotions or conflict?
Am I within my personal boundaries? (Can I carry the child? Am I too tired? Am I too hungry? Do I have enough money? Does it hurt? Is it too loud? Etc.)
Am I forcing traditional methods of child-raising onto my child, presuming I know what is best, what my child must learn now, that respect can be taught through force and perseverance etc.?
Am I forcing boundaries I believe my child must respect, or is this my true personal boundary?
Am I communicating in a gentle, empathetic manner and validating emotions?
Am I overwhelmed by the situation and am not acknowledging this?
Am I being stubborn?
Sticking to something out of stubbornness and refusing to budge models this kind of interaction and keeps us from connection and authentic relationships. This produces power-struggles instead of solution-oriented thinking.
Just today my son and I sought to find a solution for our conflicting needs: I reached a personal boundary and simply did not want to sit in the corner at the table with his chair pushed up to mine. Every time I needed to get up to fetch something I would have to climb over his chair or else squeeze past the table and dresser. He wanted to be as close as possible but I felt claustrophobic. I had stubbed my toe and was very clear that I would no longer stick to this seating code; he could sit right up close, but we would have to swap places. At first he was quite upset, but as he sensed my clarity, he accepted my boundary soon with ease. I wasn’t stubborn and commanding in my communication; I asked if he had another solution and acknowledged his need to sit close to me before and after communicating my own need.
Being stubborn has little to do with being self-respecting or strong-willed. Standing by a personal boundary and our will doesn’t cancel out negotiation, finding a solution that fits every party or even being as flexible as we can.
It isn’t inherent that we stick to boundaries – children learn more from authenticity rather than consistency. Traditional child-raising tells us children require consistency, rules and set (artificial) boundaries in order to feel safe and to learn certain social abilities, however, sticking by our word and failing to model solution-oriented thinking, flexibility or regard for another’s needs and wishes does little to support social skills.
Authentic, connected relationships that are unique and individual, allowing freewill, dignity and autonomy are naturally marked by personal boundaries, needs and oftentimes by conflicts of will. As adults we must model the difference between stubbornly sticking to our own will and communicating an authentic personal boundary. We must be open for solutions and dialogue while being respectful and maintaining self-respect.
I invite you to take your liberty and join the revolution!
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