Peaceful Parenting 101: How to approach „bad“ behavior and why don’t we punish?
“Bad” behavior is only bad when we wish to interpret it so. Children communicate through their behavior and it’s up to us to receive their messages: A child that won’t refrain from touching the curtains, even if you have told her not to, may be curious to play with them, testing their properties (how do they feel? How does the fabric move when you sway them? Can I hide behind them? Can I swing on them?). The child may be inviting you to play and even if the attempt backfires, she is still engaging you – she cannot carry the responsibility for the quality of the play, her attempt and her communication are the most she can give. The child may be defying you, having found that no other behavior or communication works… the curtain has become a decoy, the message behind it being the same, “I’m bored, I need you, play with me, let me understand my world, I’m interested in reactions and how I affect my surroundings”.
In creating “yes” surroundings, children may move around their home freely and examine everything as they wish. We must remove things or secure things that could be potentially dangerous. Anything that we do not wish to be played with should be kept out of reach and perhaps even out of sight of the child. When children have the freedom to explore their surroundings without being constantly reprimanded or scolded, they will be alert when something is actually dangerous or when visiting a friend’s home we share with them that an object shouldn’t be touched. Keeping objects in their place and hoping children will learn through consistently saying “NO!” doesn’t have that effect. Children do not touch the item for fear of your reaction, not from learning social etiquette. This promotes detachment in the parent-child-relationship and seeks to make the child obedient. (Read about “The Detriment of Obedience”).
Young children who haven’t mastered the art of impulse control (which may take their entire childhood to develop) or empathy may be redirected in order to facilitate their interest or need in a way that is suitable and acceptable for everyone. When we are friendly and kind, helping children to get what they want, they mustn’t defy us or show any other form of resistance.
Rather than condemning children by adult standards (read “Stop holding children to adult standards” here) we must consider their level of development; their personality; the individual situation; the person. And that is what Peaceful Parenting leaves us with, once the behavior modification seeps away: people. People who share a relationship. People with unique likes and dislikes. People with differing tolerances for stress. People impacting their environments and learning. People with the same motivation to live peacefully and autonomously.
When our children act disruptively we must remember to…
* Assume positive intent. Children do nothing out of spite. They communicate through behavior, rarely consciously understanding why they are actively doing something. We must receive their messages.
*Focus on the underlying needs, rather than the behavior. Needs drive our behavior; where a need is unmet we will seek to still it by means of need-fulfilling-strategies: An exaggerated amount of media consumption is the strategy to meet a need for calm/relaxation, entertainment or learning. We must address these needs even if a child communicated them through “bad” behavior. There is nothing wrong with the behavior; it merely draws attentions to their needs.
*Carry the responsibility for the quality of our relationship. Our children are not in charge of our emotions, it is not up to them to please us, not their place to have to better the mood through changing their behavior. (Read more on responsibility here)
*Not attach actions and feelings to conditions. Our children mustn’t jump through hoops, acting a certain way to gain our affection and attention. These things should be unconditional. We are connected while having fun and connected when something undesirable happens. Scolding and shaming drive a wedge in our relationships, while guidance and understanding bring us close.
*Treat our children with kindness, much as we would treat a cherished friend. Kindness begets kindness and anger is as infectious as laughter. When we can control our own emotions the situations will not escalate and we can stay connected, comforting and assisting our child.
*Meet our children eye to eye, not talk down at them. Peaceful Parenting sees children as liberated beings, deserving the same rights and respect that adults expect. When their integrity and autonomy aren’t attacked or suppressed, they mustn’t be defensive, defiant or deviant.
*Not misuse our natural authority. Adults are older, taller, more experienced and learned than children. This gives us authority. This authority is children’s most favorite learning resource…however when we misuse it, children reject our advice. When children have the choice to cooperate and trust we are on their side helping and supporting them, they will seek our knowledge and advice.
*Model flexibility. As adults we are capable of putting the needs of someone else above our own. Children cannot do this and may not learn to do this if we do not cooperate with them or model flexibility.
*Ask ourselves – why is my child doing this? What is his motivation? What is the need driving the behavior? If my three year old is disturbing a dinner party, pushing the plates to the edge of the table, I mustn’t scold him. I realize he may be bored by the conversation, overwhelmed by the stimulation or seeking my attention, needing connection. (Read “Focusing on Needs rather than Behavior”)
*Offer alternatives; seek a way to meet the child’s need. I offer a game of some sort, either mentally engaging or physically demanding; I offer connection and attention (“Why not give kids attention?!”); I may leave the room with him for a while to restore connection and offer him a quiet space to collect himself, where he may stay, if he wishes to. I do not focus on the behavior, even if the plate fell off of the table and broke. In this case I speak curtly, “I don’t want plates to get broken”, and act as I just explained. The broken plate is the consequence; any thought-up consequence would be artificial, unauthentic and unproductive (not to mention demeaning). I speak to older children about such situations later at a time where they are balanced, able to take part in a dialogue and can consider the situation calmly. The motivation for such a talk is to find solutions to assist the child in acute situations, offer methods of communication and to speak about how what happened affected those around us and which naturally-occurring consequences came to pass.
Punishments do not have a learning effect on children; the part of the brain that controls impulses is still developing in children. The reason children react to threats of punishment is because they recede love, comfort and belonging, things that are basic human needs and vital for a child’s wellbeing. Children are driven by instincts they inherited from our ancestors, losing the affections of a parent could very well have led to a fight for survival in past times. Their attachments secured their survival; this is why it comes as such a blow when our good graces are receded. (Read “About Love-withdrawal and Time-Outs”)
Punishments are not effective, which many parents and children will tell you and they have scientific studies that prove this, to back them. The punishments and threats must become greater and scarier for them to keep their hold. Children are more likely to become defiant in authoritarian environments as appose to cooperative, peaceful surroundings. Furthermore children learn it is normal to expect to be hurt by their loved-ones if they behave in a certain way, linking affection to behavior and causing a person’s motivation to act morally to become egocentric: What will happen to me if I do this? A person doesn’t not rob the old lady for moral convictions or a feeling for justice, but for fear of punishment.
When punishments are implemented, children aren’t driven by respect for your word, but rather a fear of your wrath. This leads to fear-based behavior, such as lying, stealing and generally hiding things to escape punishment.
Respect cannot exist where coercion and a power-over paradigm prevail. Respect cannot be forced by methods such as punishment…this simply derives fear. Respect is naturally modelled, imitated and internalized as part of our social development.
Some parents concentrate their thinking on the future and worry their children won’t fit in to society, that they will be disrespectful and won’t develop empathy for others. They are afraid parenting peacefully won’t support development in these areas. Traditional child-raising methods lead us to believe these things must be taught to children, we must do something to them now, otherwise they will not learn such abilities as empathy, respect or social conduct. However, such learning cannot be forced onto another individual; it takes root when that person is developmentally ready and willing. Children learn by imitating their surroundings, this is why taking a disrespectful tone will indeed cause your child to answer with the same. When we empathize with our children, validate their feelings and their will, they will adopt the same attitude, natural to human beings. Common courtesy will also be imitated and practiced, but will only become internalized when children have the ability to carry social responsibility for themselves. Before that time, they are children and behave to the best of their abilities. They are right and good just as they are.
Children want to cooperate. It is in their very beings, part of this primal instinct I spoke of. They cooperate from a very young age (remember the two year old helping with the housework?) We must learn to trust our children and recognize the able, intuitive and competent human beings they are! When we cooperate with our children, they will learn this social necessity and do so, too.
Peaceful non-coercive Parenting is thinking outside the box, questioning our conditioning, partnering our children and treating them as team-mates. When we step out of the power-over paradigm, power struggles can no longer exist. Our attention must be on our own behavior and we must question the things we were taught in our own childhoods, not on attempting to form our children to be a certain way. When attachments are strong, trusted and respectful, when children can trust in them come what may, then behavior will no longer be an issue.
Liberate your children, be someone they trust and respect; someone you wish for them to have as a role-model! Be the change you wish to see in your child!
I invite you to take your liberty and join the revolution!
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