Renouncing The 'No'

 It’s been brought to my attention that many people believe it does children good to hear a good strong “No!” now and again - just for good measure.

There are so many natural nos in everyday life: no, there is no cheese left; no, it’s not time yet; no, we cannot keep a horse; no, you cannot take that child’s toy home; no, that Lego piece won’t go on like that… why should I purposefully provoke a child by forbidding them to do something, just because I thought it’s time he or she heard a healthy no?!

This trail of thought stems from the assumption children must be controlled through authoritative methods of child-rearing. By overpowering the will of the child we are regulating the naturally balanced scales to fit our agenda, claiming my side is heavier and has more impact. I’m the cake, you’re the crumb. I get to decide over your dealings, timetables and body.

 

But surely children need to be toughened up for this our world and need that displeasing word of authority?!

Authority impacts the parent-child relationship in a harmful way causing alienation, frustration and separation. Children acknowledge themselves as victims and carry this belief into their futures. Feeling victimized, they lose their responsibility and autonomy for their individual life, look to others to find blame and haven’t the mind-set to move past difficulties with ease.

Children are naturally cooperative and will listen to an authentic “No!” if this word isn’t implemented in a whimsical way, which overpowers the will of the child for no good reason.

 

Don’t children, who get what they want, become egocentric?

Un-raised children have a super perception of themselves and intact self-esteem, trust we do everything in our power to help get them what they want and wouldn’t deny them something out of spite - resulting in them not needing to seek attention or become selfish. They are able to respect boundaries that are fundamental and learn to look past frustration, as it is not directed at a person forbidding them in what seems a whimsical way.

 

How do un-raised children learn boundaries then?

When I stick to my boundaries and respect my children’s, they learn what is neccessary. We all have possessions we don’t want to be harmed, we all have the need for rest (although adults are more flexible than children), we all have needs that call to be met and are all impacted by laws (natural or institutional). These are the boundaries human beings underlie.

Living in a healthy, social atmosphere, children model the behavior of their fellow human beings. When they are accepted and respected in their wills, wants and needs, they learn to treat other’s with the same care.

 

Renouncing the “NO!”

Letting our children grow up in a positive setting strengthens their trust in the world and in us.

When a young child tips out a glass of water, we needn’t focus on the mess it made, saying “No! We don’t tip water on the floor, look at this mess, what have you done…”

We can just as easily take a deep breath and say “Yes! You want to play with water, what fun. Come here, we’ll get a tray/go outside…” Instead of instinctively defying you in order to explore their impulses by tipping the water out quickly, the child’s eyes widen with joy as a smile spreads across his or her face - their parent is facilitating their learning interests! The outcome is positive and connecting instead of stressful and inhibiting.

An older child may wish to do something we do not agree with. Instead of speaking that authoritative “No!” we can enter a dialogue, hear the child’s reasons and needs, and communicate our own in a peaceful manner. The ‘No’ would bring opposition; the communication shows our interest and respect for the child as a human being and puts us on the same side.

 

The only thing children need is a secure relationship to their parents. With this given, they are able to grow up in peace.

 

I invite you to take your liberty and join the revolution!